Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
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Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
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We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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