Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
