thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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