I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
where are my eyebrows?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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