I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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