at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
