So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
