Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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