Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
