I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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