i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
