I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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