The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
