Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
