Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
