cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
