This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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