my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
