I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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