I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
