So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
