She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
