he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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