I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
wanna go halves on a baby?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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