guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
