I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
3 2 1 whiskey
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I want is dick and wine.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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