Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
