yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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