I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
