Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
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We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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