I feel great
I just peed on a car
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
