I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
