This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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