There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
