I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
