Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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