The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
