If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
