I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
So much Jack, so little girl.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
