Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
