guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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