I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i out mim tonsoeep
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
