it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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