I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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