I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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