hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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