There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
