the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
