i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i already hear my dad disowning me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
