cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
