My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
