I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
