my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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