I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
