just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
True college students do jello shots in the library
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
